OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
