can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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