My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
