I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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