: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
