I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
