I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
