May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
