worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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