did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
