If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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