I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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