dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
