cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
