my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
