My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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