just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
