my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
