I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
