my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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