i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Boobs speak an international language.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
