Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
