don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
