a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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