i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
