At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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