I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
