If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
