we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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