now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
