First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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