I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
