Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
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ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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