I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
