you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
