one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
