so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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