I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
