youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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