The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
