i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
