If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
