I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
