I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
