dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The beer is more important than you right now.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
