so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
