I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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