I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
