Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
high people should be assigned attendants
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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