Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
