I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
