puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
