so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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