i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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