that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
