I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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